Fall 2011: Samuel Heredon (33), Chance Heredon (7), Sofia Heredon (4), Abigail Heredon (67), Andrew Heredon (70), Gregory Wright (32), Nina Wright (30), Olivia Wright (2.5 weeks) and Teresa Gould (29). Last update: Fall 2010
Soundtrack: “In Repair” by John Mayer
It’s late when Sam pulls out his notebook, the children put to bed hours ago and the lights dim. He’s put it off to the point where he can’t anymore. Tomorrow is the day whether he wants it to be or not. Despite his hesitation it feels easier this year.
Sam stares at the blank paper imagining he can see the letters that have come before it, small echoes of all his stops and starts. The winding of gears cuts through the quiet and he watches the clock count down the last few seconds of the day. 57…58…59…60. It’s with the chiming of the old clock that he writes her name for the first time in a year, unable to prevent the tremor in his hand.
I miss you terribly. I figure I should get that out the way from the start since it has not changed and never will. The wind is starting to get a bite to it and if you were here you would be complaining about the cold weather ruining your garden. We do not have a real garden anymore, a few shrubs here and there but nothing as beautiful as you used to plant.
The children are settling in at the new house well. It seems to be getting easier for them now that they’re both being in school and have a few after-school activities. Even the morning goes smoother but I think the fact that I actually make breakfast and sit with them has helped more than anything.
I was weak before. I am so sorry I blamed for you not being here, for leaving me alone to face our children everyday. I find that I am remembering what a joy they are.
The Herald is doing well. We’ve moved the office to a smaller location on Bay Street. The space did not fit us anymore and you know how the city council is about changing any of the historic buildings. I still want to expand the paper but fort this it will do. It is airier than the old building; everything is open with lots of windows and the staff seems to like it.
I find it a bit quieter being further away from the marina and of course I’m closer to you. Do you like the chrysanthemums I’ve been leaving? Asiatic lilies will be in bloom soon and I’ll bring those next.
Mother and Father moved back during the summer and bought one of the condos Gregory and I invested in. I doubt Father wanted to come home. He speaks too fondly about their travels to France and Egypt to have been ready but you know that whatever Mother wants Mother gets. I assumed she came back for the children, they’ve missed her, but a few pointed questions made her agenda clear.
How was work? How many hours have I been working? Did I ever hire a manager to help me? Am I seeing anyone?
Father tries his best but, Charlotte, you know she can’t be distracted for long.
She worries. I think seeing that I have actually hung photos of you in spaces other than the children’s bedroom rattled her. She worries that I am attempting to drown myself in you, trying to fill all those empty spaces with you. She wants me to think about dating. Father agrees. I can see it in his eyes, the way he reaches out sometimes to rest a hand on my shoulder.
I’m not ready to tell them that I have. I know it’s still too soon. Have you seen me with her? Do you like her? Do you hate me?
I am trying to do what the therapist suggests – see what’s out there – and I have…and she is sweet. Teresa makes me laugh like I haven’t since you’ve been gone. At times, I feel this lightness that I never thought I would feel again. I still miss you but I do not feel like I’m drowning everyday. Charlotte, is that wrong? Do you feel like I have forgotten you?
She’s nothing like you. She’s quieter, more careful than you ever were. I can’t imagine her wanting to go skydiving or convincing me to camp in a cornfield on Halloween. How did you ever find that cornfield? Sometimes I think she is a good fit for the man I have become.
I wonder if it is love. It does not feel like the love I know. Ours scorched me like high noon and what I feel now is like a lake. How can that be love? How do people know when it’s love for the second time? I only ever loved you. Do you remember when we first met? You grabbed my hand and insisted I be your partner in the three-legged race. I was embarrassed. We were 20 but I could not stop thinking about you if I wanted to.
Our dates are quiet, usually in her house, and we often talk late into the night. Teresa has these theories on echoing, life and what it means to pass something on. When she brings it up I think of you and feel disloyal to you both.
When I talk with Gregory he tells me to take things slowly, that it will no be fair to Teresa if I lead her down a path I am not ready for. I understand. I know she is falling in love with me but I am not ready, not when I am still trying to find stable ground. I don’t want to let her go though. It is really lonely without you.
Gregory and Nina have a new daughter and she’s absolutely beautiful. Olivia Marie is two weeks old and has stolen what little heart I had spare. Her eyes are green, her hair is red and she weight all of eight pounds. You forget how small they are, Charlotte. How they look at you with such trust and you want to promise them anything. Holding her makes me think of when Sofia was born. You would sit by the window, staring at the boats while you nursed her and Chance would play quietly at your feet.
We had a good life, didn’t we?
Nina asked if I have thought about having more. I could not answer her because as much as I prepare to move forward with life without you, that just seems unbearable. Maybe next year will be different or the year after that but right now, even though there are days where everything seems ok, I can not imagine children of mine without your face.
I hope wherever you are you are happy and getting a cuddle from your mother. I do not want you to worry about us, not a lot…not all the time, ok? I love you. I always will
Sam visits the cemetary the next day, aware that he has to get home to his children and parents. He carefully places the letter on the grave, making sure the tape is secure and weaves the chrysanthemums around the stone cross. He does not really want to linger, does not want to fall into the negatives of what this day represents. This was one their happiest days together and he just wants to remember that.
“Happy anniversary, Charlotte.”
A.N: Say what? Two updates within a week? Yea boi!
Anyway, I’m sure you will notice that Sam’s first update is from a very long time ago and I’m sorry about that because he’s super interesting. He got the ROS for the anniversary and of course he’s a widower so we had to deal with it. He has wanted to move on rolling wants for dates and while it’s true that he does love Teresa I don’t think it’s going to stick. Mainly because while on this date he rolled a want to fall in love with another Sim he went on a date with and he never ever thinks of her when he’s not around her. So, yea.
I don’t get it because she’s his highest attraction barring Nina but that’s never going to happen. That’s another weird thing. Nina has higher bolts with John and Sam but she always farts hearts for Gregory and never rolls romantic wants for anyone else. The girl’s in love.
What do you think of my foray into first person? I have to say it’s faster to write but I’m not sure it’s for me. We’ll see. Thanks for reading!
Oh! I love that John Mayer song. Give it a listen if you haven’t heard it before. I think it works well.